Losing a loved one is one of the most difficult things anyone can experience, but reflecting on the impermanent nature of all things can help us cope – here’s how.
Let’s begin with the story of Patacara.
Patacara’s story is one of the most poignant and transformative tales in Buddhist literature, illustrating deep lessons about suffering, redemption, and enlightenment. Here’s the short version:
Patacara was a young woman from a wealthy family in Savatthi, India. Against her parents’ wishes, she eloped with a servant to avoid an arranged marriage, leading to a life far removed from the comfort she had known. After becoming pregnant, she decided to return to her parents’ home, but halfway there she gave birth and returned home. A few years later she found herself pregnant again and her husband and toddler made the pilgrimage to her family’s home again.
Tragedy struck at night when a terrible storm occurred. Her husband left her and their toddler by the side of the road while he ran into the forest to find wood to build a makeshift shelter but he never returned. In near-total darkness alone with her toddler she gave birth. The next morning she entered the forest and found her husband dead from a snake bite. Widowed, she decided to continue the journey to her parent’s home.
After walking for several hours Patacara reached a raging river. She told her toddler to wait on the shore and that she would return to him after safely carrying her newborn baby across the river. Patacara got halfway across in neck-deep water when suddenly an eagle swooped down and took the newborn baby from her hands. She screamed at the bird and her toddler, hearing the screams, thought she was asking him to come to her. The little boy stepped into the water and was swept downstream never to be seen again.
Grieving and disoriented, she continued to Savatthi, only to discover that her parents and brother had perished when their house collapsed during a storm.
Devastated by the loss of her entire family, Patacara wandered the streets of Savatthi in a state of shock and grief. Her suffering led her to the Buddha, who was teaching at the Jetavana monastery. The Buddha’s teachings provided her with understanding and a path to cope with her grief. She became a nun and, through diligent practice, eventually attained enlightenment, becoming one of the Buddha’s most respected female disciples.
The story of Patacara emphasizes several core Buddhist teachings, including the impermanence of life (anicca), the inevitability of suffering (dukkha), and the potential for liberation (nibbana) through mindfulness and understanding. Patacara’s transformation from profound suffering to enlightenment is a testament to the power of the Buddha’s teachings and the human capacity for resilience and spiritual awakening.
Nothing can last forever, not even our loved ones. But as the Patacara story demonstrates, life will continue if we choose it too. Part of the coping process is recognizing and even acknowledging impermanence. Lord Buddha would have recommended the following to help cope with the lost of a loved one:
- Understanding the Nature of Impermanence (Anicca): The Buddha taught that all conditioned phenomena are impermanent. Recognizing and accepting the impermanent nature of life can help ease the pain of loss. Understanding that separation and loss are natural parts of human existence can bring comfort and acceptance.
- Contemplating Dukkha (Suffering): The Buddha explained that suffering is part of life. By accepting that suffering exists and understanding its origins, individuals can begin to cope with their grief more effectively. This does not diminish the pain but helps in not adding additional suffering to it through denial or resistance.
- Practicing Mindfulness and Presence: Mindfulness helps in acknowledging and experiencing grief without becoming overwhelmed by it. Being fully present with one’s emotions, whether they are pain, sadness, or even moments of relief, allows for a compassionate and gentle processing of loss.
- Cultivating Metta (Loving-kindness): The Buddha encouraged the cultivation of loving-kindness towards oneself and others. In times of loss, practicing metta can be a source of comfort and connection, reminding us of the love that remains despite physical separation.
- Reflecting on Anatta (Non-self): The concept of non-self teaches that the essence of beings is not fixed or permanent. Reflecting on this can help loosen the grip of personal loss by understanding that the essence of the loved one was never confined to their physical presence.
- Seeking Support in Sangha (Community): The Buddha placed great importance on the spiritual community. Sharing one’s grief within a supportive community can provide solace and strength. The collective practice, understanding, and compassion of the sangha can be a powerful aid in healing.
- Engaging in Meritorious Actions: Performing acts of generosity or kindness in memory of the deceased can be a way to honor their life and create positive karmic effects. This can also be a meaningful way to process grief and transform it into actions that benefit others.
- Meditation and Contemplation: Engaging in meditation can provide the mental space needed to process grief. It can also lead to deeper insights into the nature of life, death, and the interconnectedness of all beings.
